inbox;

[softlyfalling]

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269, early afternoon

[nihilmancy]

[Sekhmet has noticeably been frosty in the days leading up to the imp attack.]

Sekhmet: Whenever you're feeling better, we should talk.

Re: 269, early afternoon

[softlyfalling]

[ words to have a panic attack to ]

sad bird in snow: We should, you're right.
sad bird in snow: Where do you prefer

Re: 269, early afternoon

[nihilmancy]

[true]

Sekhmet: Anywhere is fine.
Sekhmet: I love you. I want to make this work.

Re: 269, early afternoon

[softlyfalling]

sad bird in snow: Okay
sad bird in snow: Maybe the music room here?

Re: 269, early afternoon

[nihilmancy]

Sekhmet: Alright. Be there in a few minutes.

Re: 269, early afternoon

[softlyfalling]

[ she is, in fact, waiting somewhat nervously by the door to let hlasoh in. ]

Re: 269, early afternoon

[nihilmancy]

[She arrives soon, as she said. Her face is... conflicted. Anxious, and wanting, and hurt, and a little angry, but it softens into a small smile.]

...Hey.

Re: 269, early afternoon

[softlyfalling]

Can I... get you anything? Tea?

Re: 269, early afternoon

[nihilmancy]

That'd be good. Do you have Pu'erh?

Re: 269, early afternoon

[softlyfalling]

Ah—we should, I think, so I'll go put the kettle on...

[ she makes for the kitchen. ]

Re: 269, early afternoon

[nihilmancy]

Ah, right.

[Waiting, awkwardly. This is so awkward]

Re: 269, early afternoon

[softlyfalling]

[ try not to panic try not to panic

fail

keep making tea

eventually, she emerges, with a tea tray, two cups, and a teapot. ]

Here—it still needs some time to steep, but we can take it into the music room...

[ she leads the way. ]

Re: 269, early afternoon

[nihilmancy]

[hlasoh is also screaming inside

we're doing great]

Right.

[she takes the tea, and follows]

I just want to say, first... I don't want to ever lose you. You're carved into my heart. And... it wasn't really your fault, um, any of it.

Re: 269, early afternoon

[softlyfalling]

I mean—you don't have to... say that, really, just because I didn't mean to hurt you doesn't mean it's not still something I should consider more strongly...

Re: 269, early afternoon

[nihilmancy]

Just a reflex. But, um, I never told you who it was, so...

Hah. I still don't know how I feel about her. But she'll never like me anyway.

Re: 269, early afternoon

[softlyfalling]

Yeah, I guess—well, there’s never any for-sure way to get forgiveness, I guess. I know that well enough.

Re: 269, early afternoon

[nihilmancy]

...Mm. It's funny. I feel like I have a lot in common with her.

It's been... hard, lately. Everything has me on edge, and it's a thousand relentless cuts. My memories, Yugi... the games, the chaos in the city.

Sometimes I feel like I'm never good enough for anybody. No, maybe not exactly that, but... that I'm not strong enough, that I'm so greedy and there's so much anger in my heart... so even though you didn't know, finding that out about Glory, it really hurt.

Re: 269, early afternoon

[softlyfalling]

I mean, it's not—it's not about if you're good enough, I promise you. You definitely are.

It's just been... a particularly difficult time, I think. Unsettling.

Re: 269, early afternoon

[nihilmancy]

It's, um, not really about you, so much as everything, so I doubt myself at everything sometimes. Like, I'm so roiling and restless and self-pitying and moody and greedy and snide and ingratiating, and everybody can see the violence inside me and everybody has so many problems so of course everybody will want to distance themselves from me. They'll want to find better people than me. That's the sort of things that get on my mind.

...It has.

Re: 269, early afternoon

[softlyfalling]

I mean, it's sort of—

...I was saying to Nero the other day that—before, alone with my troubles, the world felt hopeless and bleak and miserable, but... talking to other people and understanding that they have troubles, and sometimes understanding each other's—somehow, that makes it feel less lonely, even if a lot of us are having a bad time.

Or at least that's... how I've started to look at it.

Re: 269, early afternoon

[nihilmancy]

I know, but... it's all so much. A-And you have all of these people around you, and I do not know how I'm supposed to act towards them, even Nero.

Um, I do like them, and I feel like I'm just whining, and actually it's that I'd like to be closer to them, but, ah...

Re: 269, early afternoon

[softlyfalling]

Er... maybe I'm not understanding right, but—I mean, I don't think there's a specific way you have to be toward anyone, but—

...is it more that you want to be friends but don't know how to get to know them, or...?

Re: 269, early afternoon

[nihilmancy]

Ah, please understand, that I'm not being a misanthrope, and I am able to get along with my Unit quite well, um...

It's sort of like that? But also to, ah, really be part of a group of people, or a group of friends, it's something that's a bit scary, something that really seems difficult to do. But I really... hunger for it. It used to be all relationships were like that for me. Not as much here, but before.

I killed my friends. And not long after coming here, I killed people again. It's easier to be polite, kind, but not too close. Even if that's never enough for me.

Re: 269, early afternoon

[softlyfalling]

I don't have a good boundary between myself and the world around me, for better or for worse... even in spite of everyone I've loved and killed because of that love. Even though I've killed people here, too, with my own two hands.

Hm...

...the people you think you like—in a friend way, I mean. I guess you're probably not going to start off being really close, but you could... ease your way in?

Re: 269, early afternoon

[nihilmancy]

Mm. I think we just, deal with it differently, for different reasons. But that makes it so useful to have your perspective. We're both scarred, in different ways. I've always known that. Strong, too.

So... perhaps I try talking a bit more, with some of these people.