softlyfalling | inbox;

I do. It's really nice.

...Sometimes I'm jealous of you. People just, come to you. People like you even if you don't try. They love you. You turn places into homes. You're bathed in warmth. All of that doesn't come as naturally to me.

I know. You have it hard too. So hard. But I get jealous, a little.

...is that what it seems like, to you...?

...Only in part. I know you actually work so hard at it. So, so hard. I know you struggle, and you don't always... you don't always succeed, it doesn't actually just go smoothly. I didn't mean to sound cruel or petty, I will always be on your side, and, um... you're building a sense of selfhood and acting for yourself, after a lifetime of that being suppressed. And you struggle at it. It's really hard. I'm not putting you up on a pedestal. But you're doing so well.

I'm trying hard, but in different ways, but... I can't hold my unit together like you can. I can't make ties of friendship and love and home like you can. Or at least, it's a lot clumsier when I do it.

I...

...I don't mean to be dismissive of your worries, but just because it's clumsy doesn't mean you can't, you know?

It sort of seems like... you're saying you know I'm not perfect at it, but like you don't really actually believe that, honestly?

I'm trying! I really try, and I'm not saying I've given up. Like, of course there's another side of this. I've made friends, I've found love and family and found so much purpose and things to live for. I've done so much! I've come so far!

No, it's not like that. I don't believe you're perfect at it, I just, um, I have awful self-esteem and end up comparing myself to people. I've lived in the shadow of the rich and elite, of my legendary sorceress mother, of the monsters that made me something different than completely human, I always feel small and skulking and... and bitter. Resentful, even. And I feel awful when that happens, but I feel it sometimes! I-I don't know. I'm sorry. This isn't all of me. I hope you know that. There's so much more that I feel about you.

I know, I mean—

I just... don't know how to make it better. I want to, but... just because we've been through similar things doesn't mean you have to do things like me, or that you're moving at the wrong pace.

Honestly, for the first month or so I was just trying to follow Cardinal's lead and they they shouted at me to not do that... so.

Heh. No, I don't really want to follow anybody, despite what I said. I just get frustrated. For not knowing the way to... to just live, I suppose.

Sometimes it's easier. A lot easier. But for a while, it hasn't been.

...sorry. I guess I... knew some of it, but I guess I didn't realize the extent of it?

I don't... want to be someone you resent.

I don't. Not really. I mean, I can't control things that just surface into my mind, and just... burying them will make them come back, so, I had to tell you that, even if it was hard to say.

But it's not your fault. Maybe it isn't even mine. Maybe it's beyond fault.

I mean maybe it's not really a matter of fault, but—

I just don't know what to do.

...Me neither. Please don't... think that I hate you or anything. Even a little bit.

I know you don't—really. I promise.

Good.

...just, you know.

I don't think you're so badly-off as you think you are, for whatever the person you want to be is.

I know that too. I know, the things that I feel, sometimes aren't quite what's rational, what's entirely true.

But... I have a lot. And I've done a lot. And not everybody can lay claim to being a talented flutist, cook, gardener, and a sorceress of earth-shaking power. And well-read. Somebody who loves and is loved and will seize the world by it's collar and drag it screaming if I have to. So. I feel and know those things as well.

Exactly, so—maybe... try and focus on that.

Mm. I will I just... thought that I needed to tell you that.

[snuggling against closer.]

Maybe I'm doing pretty good if I'm worried about things like jealousy after an attack by hellish monsters.

[ she pets her hair a little, though she continues to look thoughtful. ]

I'm glad you weren't hurt too badly...

I got out pretty lucky.

Honestly, I did, too... even though there was one point where I thought I was probably a goner.

[ it's barely noticeable, but the veins on her arm stand out a little more, where Hlasoh touches. ]

Got covered in that horrible black ooze, practically—it's a miracle there were no adverse effects.

[tensing a little at hearing about the danger Shrike was in, holding her tighter.]

Ah, Gods...

This is why, I want to continue training with you. Why I have to. If I can't use sorcery, I need to be able to fight like this.

Um—really, I mean, all's well in the end, so... I wasn't alone, anyway, and you were there when all was said and done.

But the stronger I am, the more I can do to stop people from getting hurt. Which includes you.

Oh, I...

...that's really kind of you. Even though as you are now—I think you have plenty of good strengths.

But... there are some things that will need, ah, the aptitude for violence, and physical prowess, to protect people, so.

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