softlyfalling | inbox;

Ah—we should, I think, so I'll go put the kettle on...

[ she makes for the kitchen. ]

Ah, right.

[Waiting, awkwardly. This is so awkward]

[ try not to panic try not to panic

fail

keep making tea

eventually, she emerges, with a tea tray, two cups, and a teapot. ]

Here—it still needs some time to steep, but we can take it into the music room...

[ she leads the way. ]

[hlasoh is also screaming inside

we're doing great]

Right.

[she takes the tea, and follows]

I just want to say, first... I don't want to ever lose you. You're carved into my heart. And... it wasn't really your fault, um, any of it.

Edited 2020-07-29 05:22 (UTC)

I mean—you don't have to... say that, really, just because I didn't mean to hurt you doesn't mean it's not still something I should consider more strongly...

Just a reflex. But, um, I never told you who it was, so...

Hah. I still don't know how I feel about her. But she'll never like me anyway.

Yeah, I guess—well, there’s never any for-sure way to get forgiveness, I guess. I know that well enough.

...Mm. It's funny. I feel like I have a lot in common with her.

It's been... hard, lately. Everything has me on edge, and it's a thousand relentless cuts. My memories, Yugi... the games, the chaos in the city.

Sometimes I feel like I'm never good enough for anybody. No, maybe not exactly that, but... that I'm not strong enough, that I'm so greedy and there's so much anger in my heart... so even though you didn't know, finding that out about Glory, it really hurt.

I mean, it's not—it's not about if you're good enough, I promise you. You definitely are.

It's just been... a particularly difficult time, I think. Unsettling.

It's, um, not really about you, so much as everything, so I doubt myself at everything sometimes. Like, I'm so roiling and restless and self-pitying and moody and greedy and snide and ingratiating, and everybody can see the violence inside me and everybody has so many problems so of course everybody will want to distance themselves from me. They'll want to find better people than me. That's the sort of things that get on my mind.

...It has.

I mean, it's sort of—

...I was saying to Nero the other day that—before, alone with my troubles, the world felt hopeless and bleak and miserable, but... talking to other people and understanding that they have troubles, and sometimes understanding each other's—somehow, that makes it feel less lonely, even if a lot of us are having a bad time.

Or at least that's... how I've started to look at it.

I know, but... it's all so much. A-And you have all of these people around you, and I do not know how I'm supposed to act towards them, even Nero.

Um, I do like them, and I feel like I'm just whining, and actually it's that I'd like to be closer to them, but, ah...

Er... maybe I'm not understanding right, but—I mean, I don't think there's a specific way you have to be toward anyone, but—

...is it more that you want to be friends but don't know how to get to know them, or...?

Ah, please understand, that I'm not being a misanthrope, and I am able to get along with my Unit quite well, um...

It's sort of like that? But also to, ah, really be part of a group of people, or a group of friends, it's something that's a bit scary, something that really seems difficult to do. But I really... hunger for it. It used to be all relationships were like that for me. Not as much here, but before.

I killed my friends. And not long after coming here, I killed people again. It's easier to be polite, kind, but not too close. Even if that's never enough for me.

I don't have a good boundary between myself and the world around me, for better or for worse... even in spite of everyone I've loved and killed because of that love. Even though I've killed people here, too, with my own two hands.

Hm...

...the people you think you like—in a friend way, I mean. I guess you're probably not going to start off being really close, but you could... ease your way in?

Mm. I think we just, deal with it differently, for different reasons. But that makes it so useful to have your perspective. We're both scarred, in different ways. I've always known that. Strong, too.

So... perhaps I try talking a bit more, with some of these people.

...no harm, right?

You learn more about them, they learn more about you. Do something simple together to see if there's common ground.

Mm...

[The Glory thing is still deeply uncomfortable, but the idea of somehow disrupting their friendship, especially after telling Glory she wouldn't, is even worse.]

I know you will, just... stay. Please.

[ she brushes a hand lightly through Hlasoh's hair. ]

I'll stay.

[leaning into her hand

your girlfriend is basically a cat, shrike]

...It's not all bad. I can trust somebody this deeply. That never would have been possible for the old me.

Sorry I was... so distant.

It's really... fine. I was... sorting some stuff out, anyway. Not very good company.

You're always good company. But, I was... well, I already told you the kinds of things on my mind. And all my usual things spike in times like these.

...But I want to help you too, so if you want to talk about it...?

Oh, I, uh.

Tried to kill a new Bad End member?

The one who lost an eyeball in the library.

Also the one who got decapitated.

Oh... How do you feel about that?

Bad?

Like, I'm—losing my entire mind.

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