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[softlyfalling]

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Re: 269, early afternoon

[nihilmancy]

Oh... How do you feel about that?

Re: 269, early afternoon

[softlyfalling]

Bad?

Like, I'm—losing my entire mind.

Re: 269, early afternoon

[nihilmancy]

[touching her hand]

Can you tell me how it happened?

Re: 269, early afternoon

[softlyfalling]

It was like, er...

...well, we got handcuffed together, and it seemed like we'd probably be able to get them off if we talked about things we loved, so...

[ she trails off, looking a little uncertain. ]

Re: 269, early afternoon

[nihilmancy]

Um, what did they say to you?

Re: 269, early afternoon

[softlyfalling]

That they love... everything, and—what they love even more than that is, ah—

...when it all ends.

They're from the same place I am, Hlasoh. I know what that means.

Re: 269, early afternoon

[nihilmancy]

...Oh.

[Leaning against her, clasping her hand.]

You are so much more than that.

Re: 269, early afternoon

[softlyfalling]

I know, it's just—

The... the... whatever feeling it was, I just... really wanted to kill them, specifically. To strangle the life out of them the way they would strangle the life from the world.



I don't know that I don't feel that way, now?

Re: 269, early afternoon

[nihilmancy]

Mm. And you didn't expect it, and so it was very strong.

Re: 269, early afternoon

[softlyfalling]

I... guess?

I don't—even entirely remember trying to kill them?

Re: 269, early afternoon

[nihilmancy]

...Mm. You wanted to escape, perhaps. What you were experiencing, doing, feeling. I... have had that happen as well, though I usually remember a little better.

Re: 269, early afternoon

[softlyfalling]

I mean, it's really—ah, this wasn't supposed to be about me...

Re: 269, early afternoon

[nihilmancy]

I know, but... I'm still concerned about you. And I still think you should talk it out.

Re: 269, early afternoon

[softlyfalling]

I just don't want to trouble you too much—I mean, you've had a really bad time recently, after all. It's only really a problem sometimes, and I'm... working on strategies to try and deal with it?

Just—well, I didn't want you to think that I was distracting from the topic at hand, or anything.

Re: 269, early afternoon

[nihilmancy]

I'm not fragile. Besides, I want to be part of your life. I was afraid of being kept outside, I just... let me in. You can always talk to me, if you're comfortable doing so. I want to help you.

But... I know. You're being thoughtful, and that means a lot. And I suppose I do still... it still does sting.

Re: 269, early afternoon

[softlyfalling]

I'm not... trying to keep you at a distance, or anything, it's just, well—

...sometimes I don't have the words for what I'm feeling, or don't quite know how to explain it to other people yet? It's not like "you're not important enough to know," and the last time I saw you before everything went to shit, that was... fresh.

[ she makes a wobbly see-saw motion with her hand. ]

So, it was sort of... not quite settled in my head, yet.

...but, as far as your feelings... what would help?

Re: 269, early afternoon

[nihilmancy]

Mm. Sometimes I don't have the words either. Even right now, it's hard to put words on all that I'm feeling. But... that must have been really hard. Really scary, even.

Even though it's been hard, I'm so glad we can trust each other, and talk like this. I want, um, to become closer to the people around you, if I can.

Re: 269, early afternoon

[softlyfalling]

Well—you certainly don't need my permission. I can only encourage it, honestly, so...

Re: 269, early afternoon

[nihilmancy]

And Glory, ah... I'm still not certain how I feel about her. I think in some ways I'm still angry. For how she "taught me a lesson" after that game, even though I... no, she had a right to be angry. But she acted as though it was about making people understand consequences, even though I didn't mean to do that.

But, also some part of me wants some kind of reconciliation? Or at least peace. She doesn't hate me, but she'll never like me, and somehow that feels... of course, I don't want to force her, I can't and that would be horrible, I just... I don't know. I feel like we have some things in common. Or maybe absolutely nothing in common.

Re: 269, early afternoon

[softlyfalling]

It's still, well—

...people have a right to hold their anger. You can't choose what other people will consider an unforgivable violation, and sometimes neither can they. Sometimes the shadow of the past will loom long, no matter what the circumstances.

But while it takes time and work to build trust—it's not impossible. I mean... well, it's not like Kohime likes me, but we're on much better terms now.

Re: 269, early afternoon

[nihilmancy]

Mm. I don't know what I want. But... well, it's messy here. And I don't want to hurt your friendship.

That's true. I'm glad that she's seemed happier.

Re: 269, early afternoon

[softlyfalling]

...Well. [ she pauses, thinks, considers her words, and then makes a seesaw motion with her hand ] I'm not sure about happier, but I think we're at least starting to make headway on the idea that she can rely on us, you know?

Re: 269, early afternoon

[nihilmancy]

Good. She deserves to be happy. She deserves to be able to trust.

Re: 269, early afternoon

[softlyfalling]

Mm. But it's sort of, well... especially for some people, and especially for some things, it takes a lot more time.

Re: 269, early afternoon

[nihilmancy]

Yes. But I'm... hopeful. For her. Is it weird to feel all of that for my ex-? I just really want her to be happy.

[Kissing her cheek.]

But... if you are ready to talk about how that incident made you feel, of course any time, I'll be there. For all of that stuff. I really like being able to talk like this.

It makes my worries sound silly but... it's not you I'm afraid of, that I ever was, it's the world.