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[softlyfalling]

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Re: 269, early afternoon

[nihilmancy]

It's, um, not really about you, so much as everything, so I doubt myself at everything sometimes. Like, I'm so roiling and restless and self-pitying and moody and greedy and snide and ingratiating, and everybody can see the violence inside me and everybody has so many problems so of course everybody will want to distance themselves from me. They'll want to find better people than me. That's the sort of things that get on my mind.

...It has.

Re: 269, early afternoon

[softlyfalling]

I mean, it's sort of—

...I was saying to Nero the other day that—before, alone with my troubles, the world felt hopeless and bleak and miserable, but... talking to other people and understanding that they have troubles, and sometimes understanding each other's—somehow, that makes it feel less lonely, even if a lot of us are having a bad time.

Or at least that's... how I've started to look at it.

Re: 269, early afternoon

[nihilmancy]

I know, but... it's all so much. A-And you have all of these people around you, and I do not know how I'm supposed to act towards them, even Nero.

Um, I do like them, and I feel like I'm just whining, and actually it's that I'd like to be closer to them, but, ah...

Re: 269, early afternoon

[softlyfalling]

Er... maybe I'm not understanding right, but—I mean, I don't think there's a specific way you have to be toward anyone, but—

...is it more that you want to be friends but don't know how to get to know them, or...?

Re: 269, early afternoon

[nihilmancy]

Ah, please understand, that I'm not being a misanthrope, and I am able to get along with my Unit quite well, um...

It's sort of like that? But also to, ah, really be part of a group of people, or a group of friends, it's something that's a bit scary, something that really seems difficult to do. But I really... hunger for it. It used to be all relationships were like that for me. Not as much here, but before.

I killed my friends. And not long after coming here, I killed people again. It's easier to be polite, kind, but not too close. Even if that's never enough for me.

Re: 269, early afternoon

[softlyfalling]

I don't have a good boundary between myself and the world around me, for better or for worse... even in spite of everyone I've loved and killed because of that love. Even though I've killed people here, too, with my own two hands.

Hm...

...the people you think you like—in a friend way, I mean. I guess you're probably not going to start off being really close, but you could... ease your way in?

Re: 269, early afternoon

[nihilmancy]

Mm. I think we just, deal with it differently, for different reasons. But that makes it so useful to have your perspective. We're both scarred, in different ways. I've always known that. Strong, too.

So... perhaps I try talking a bit more, with some of these people.

Re: 269, early afternoon

[softlyfalling]

...no harm, right?

You learn more about them, they learn more about you. Do something simple together to see if there's common ground.

Re: 269, early afternoon

[nihilmancy]

Mm...

[The Glory thing is still deeply uncomfortable, but the idea of somehow disrupting their friendship, especially after telling Glory she wouldn't, is even worse.]

I know you will, just... stay. Please.

Re: 269, early afternoon

[softlyfalling]

[ she brushes a hand lightly through Hlasoh's hair. ]

I'll stay.

Re: 269, early afternoon

[nihilmancy]

[leaning into her hand

your girlfriend is basically a cat, shrike]

...It's not all bad. I can trust somebody this deeply. That never would have been possible for the old me.

Sorry I was... so distant.

Re: 269, early afternoon

[softlyfalling]

It's really... fine. I was... sorting some stuff out, anyway. Not very good company.

Re: 269, early afternoon

[nihilmancy]

You're always good company. But, I was... well, I already told you the kinds of things on my mind. And all my usual things spike in times like these.

...But I want to help you too, so if you want to talk about it...?

Re: 269, early afternoon

[softlyfalling]

Oh, I, uh.

Tried to kill a new Bad End member?

The one who lost an eyeball in the library.

Also the one who got decapitated.

Re: 269, early afternoon

[nihilmancy]

Oh... How do you feel about that?

Re: 269, early afternoon

[softlyfalling]

Bad?

Like, I'm—losing my entire mind.

Re: 269, early afternoon

[nihilmancy]

[touching her hand]

Can you tell me how it happened?

Re: 269, early afternoon

[softlyfalling]

It was like, er...

...well, we got handcuffed together, and it seemed like we'd probably be able to get them off if we talked about things we loved, so...

[ she trails off, looking a little uncertain. ]

Re: 269, early afternoon

[nihilmancy]

Um, what did they say to you?

Re: 269, early afternoon

[softlyfalling]

That they love... everything, and—what they love even more than that is, ah—

...when it all ends.

They're from the same place I am, Hlasoh. I know what that means.

Re: 269, early afternoon

[nihilmancy]

...Oh.

[Leaning against her, clasping her hand.]

You are so much more than that.

Re: 269, early afternoon

[softlyfalling]

I know, it's just—

The... the... whatever feeling it was, I just... really wanted to kill them, specifically. To strangle the life out of them the way they would strangle the life from the world.



I don't know that I don't feel that way, now?

Re: 269, early afternoon

[nihilmancy]

Mm. And you didn't expect it, and so it was very strong.

Re: 269, early afternoon

[softlyfalling]

I... guess?

I don't—even entirely remember trying to kill them?

Re: 269, early afternoon

[nihilmancy]

...Mm. You wanted to escape, perhaps. What you were experiencing, doing, feeling. I... have had that happen as well, though I usually remember a little better.