I just don't want to trouble you too much—I mean, you've had a really bad time recently, after all. It's only really a problem sometimes, and I'm... working on strategies to try and deal with it?
Just—well, I didn't want you to think that I was distracting from the topic at hand, or anything.
I'm not fragile. Besides, I want to be part of your life. I was afraid of being kept outside, I just... let me in. You can always talk to me, if you're comfortable doing so. I want to help you.
But... I know. You're being thoughtful, and that means a lot. And I suppose I do still... it still does sting.
I'm not... trying to keep you at a distance, or anything, it's just, well—
...sometimes I don't have the words for what I'm feeling, or don't quite know how to explain it to other people yet? It's not like "you're not important enough to know," and the last time I saw you before everything went to shit, that was... fresh.
[ she makes a wobbly see-saw motion with her hand. ]
So, it was sort of... not quite settled in my head, yet.
...but, as far as your feelings... what would help?
Mm. Sometimes I don't have the words either. Even right now, it's hard to put words on all that I'm feeling. But... that must have been really hard. Really scary, even.
Even though it's been hard, I'm so glad we can trust each other, and talk like this. I want, um, to become closer to the people around you, if I can.
And Glory, ah... I'm still not certain how I feel about her. I think in some ways I'm still angry. For how she "taught me a lesson" after that game, even though I... no, she had a right to be angry. But she acted as though it was about making people understand consequences, even though I didn't mean to do that.
But, also some part of me wants some kind of reconciliation? Or at least peace. She doesn't hate me, but she'll never like me, and somehow that feels... of course, I don't want to force her, I can't and that would be horrible, I just... I don't know. I feel like we have some things in common. Or maybe absolutely nothing in common.
...people have a right to hold their anger. You can't choose what other people will consider an unforgivable violation, and sometimes neither can they. Sometimes the shadow of the past will loom long, no matter what the circumstances.
But while it takes time and work to build trust—it's not impossible. I mean... well, it's not like Kohime likes me, but we're on much better terms now.
...Well. [ she pauses, thinks, considers her words, and then makes a seesaw motion with her hand ] I'm not sure about happier, but I think we're at least starting to make headway on the idea that she can rely on us, you know?
Yes. But I'm... hopeful. For her. Is it weird to feel all of that for my ex-? I just really want her to be happy.
[Kissing her cheek.]
But... if you are ready to talk about how that incident made you feel, of course any time, I'll be there. For all of that stuff. I really like being able to talk like this.
It makes my worries sound silly but... it's not you I'm afraid of, that I ever was, it's the world.
It makes sense for people to want to feel accepted, and... compassion turns that around and hopes for others to find places where they're accepted in turn, right?
...I'm just—well, I know there's a number of us here who want avante to be a proper home to anyone who ends up here, so... I'm glad, as someone who has an investment in that.
...Sometimes I'm jealous of you. People just, come to you. People like you even if you don't try. They love you. You turn places into homes. You're bathed in warmth. All of that doesn't come as naturally to me.
I know. You have it hard too. So hard. But I get jealous, a little.
...Only in part. I know you actually work so hard at it. So, so hard. I know you struggle, and you don't always... you don't always succeed, it doesn't actually just go smoothly. I didn't mean to sound cruel or petty, I will always be on your side, and, um... you're building a sense of selfhood and acting for yourself, after a lifetime of that being suppressed. And you struggle at it. It's really hard. I'm not putting you up on a pedestal. But you're doing so well.
I'm trying hard, but in different ways, but... I can't hold my unit together like you can. I can't make ties of friendship and love and home like you can. Or at least, it's a lot clumsier when I do it.
I'm trying! I really try, and I'm not saying I've given up. Like, of course there's another side of this. I've made friends, I've found love and family and found so much purpose and things to live for. I've done so much! I've come so far!
No, it's not like that. I don't believe you're perfect at it, I just, um, I have awful self-esteem and end up comparing myself to people. I've lived in the shadow of the rich and elite, of my legendary sorceress mother, of the monsters that made me something different than completely human, I always feel small and skulking and... and bitter. Resentful, even. And I feel awful when that happens, but I feel it sometimes! I-I don't know. I'm sorry. This isn't all of me. I hope you know that. There's so much more that I feel about you.
I just... don't know how to make it better. I want to, but... just because we've been through similar things doesn't mean you have to do things like me, or that you're moving at the wrong pace.
Honestly, for the first month or so I was just trying to follow Cardinal's lead and they they shouted at me to not do that... so.
Re: 269, early afternoon
Re: 269, early afternoon
Just—well, I didn't want you to think that I was distracting from the topic at hand, or anything.
Re: 269, early afternoon
But... I know. You're being thoughtful, and that means a lot. And I suppose I do still... it still does sting.
Re: 269, early afternoon
...sometimes I don't have the words for what I'm feeling, or don't quite know how to explain it to other people yet? It's not like "you're not important enough to know," and the last time I saw you before everything went to shit, that was... fresh.
[ she makes a wobbly see-saw motion with her hand. ]
So, it was sort of... not quite settled in my head, yet.
...but, as far as your feelings... what would help?
Re: 269, early afternoon
Even though it's been hard, I'm so glad we can trust each other, and talk like this. I want, um, to become closer to the people around you, if I can.
Re: 269, early afternoon
Re: 269, early afternoon
But, also some part of me wants some kind of reconciliation? Or at least peace. She doesn't hate me, but she'll never like me, and somehow that feels... of course, I don't want to force her, I can't and that would be horrible, I just... I don't know. I feel like we have some things in common. Or maybe absolutely nothing in common.
Re: 269, early afternoon
...people have a right to hold their anger. You can't choose what other people will consider an unforgivable violation, and sometimes neither can they. Sometimes the shadow of the past will loom long, no matter what the circumstances.
But while it takes time and work to build trust—it's not impossible. I mean... well, it's not like Kohime likes me, but we're on much better terms now.
Re: 269, early afternoon
That's true. I'm glad that she's seemed happier.
Re: 269, early afternoon
Re: 269, early afternoon
Re: 269, early afternoon
Re: 269, early afternoon
[Kissing her cheek.]
But... if you are ready to talk about how that incident made you feel, of course any time, I'll be there. For all of that stuff. I really like being able to talk like this.
It makes my worries sound silly but... it's not you I'm afraid of, that I ever was, it's the world.
Re: 269, early afternoon
It makes sense for people to want to feel accepted, and... compassion turns that around and hopes for others to find places where they're accepted in turn, right?
Re: 269, early afternoon
Re: 269, early afternoon
[ paff paff paff ]
Re: 269, early afternoon
Re: 269, early afternoon
...I'm just—well, I know there's a number of us here who want avante to be a proper home to anyone who ends up here, so... I'm glad, as someone who has an investment in that.
Re: 269, early afternoon
...Sometimes I'm jealous of you. People just, come to you. People like you even if you don't try. They love you. You turn places into homes. You're bathed in warmth. All of that doesn't come as naturally to me.
I know. You have it hard too. So hard. But I get jealous, a little.
Re: 269, early afternoon
Re: 269, early afternoon
I'm trying hard, but in different ways, but... I can't hold my unit together like you can. I can't make ties of friendship and love and home like you can. Or at least, it's a lot clumsier when I do it.
Re: 269, early afternoon
...I don't mean to be dismissive of your worries, but just because it's clumsy doesn't mean you can't, you know?
It sort of seems like... you're saying you know I'm not perfect at it, but like you don't really actually believe that, honestly?
Re: 269, early afternoon
No, it's not like that. I don't believe you're perfect at it, I just, um, I have awful self-esteem and end up comparing myself to people. I've lived in the shadow of the rich and elite, of my legendary sorceress mother, of the monsters that made me something different than completely human, I always feel small and skulking and... and bitter. Resentful, even. And I feel awful when that happens, but I feel it sometimes! I-I don't know. I'm sorry. This isn't all of me. I hope you know that. There's so much more that I feel about you.
Re: 269, early afternoon
I just... don't know how to make it better. I want to, but... just because we've been through similar things doesn't mean you have to do things like me, or that you're moving at the wrong pace.
Honestly, for the first month or so I was just trying to follow Cardinal's lead and they they shouted at me to not do that... so.
Re: 269, early afternoon
Sometimes it's easier. A lot easier. But for a while, it hasn't been.
Re: 269, early afternoon
Re: 269, early afternoon
Re: 269, early afternoon
Re: 269, early afternoon
Re: 269, early afternoon
Re: 269, early afternoon
Re: 269, early afternoon
Re: 269, early afternoon
Re: 269, early afternoon
Re: 269, early afternoon
Re: 269, early afternoon
Re: 269, early afternoon
Re: 269, early afternoon
Re: 269, early afternoon
Re: 269, early afternoon
Re: 269, early afternoon
Re: 269, early afternoon
Re: 269, early afternoon